Blah

Today has literally sucked the life out of me. Leo has four teeth poking through, daylight saving time royally fucked up his sleep, I made apple cinnamon oatmeal muffins (from scratch), lasagna (from scratch save the noodles), dusted, vacuumed, did about 5 loads of laundry, and entertained Leo all day so my husband could work.

I. Am. Done.

So instead of anything meaningful, I have one last thing to say about the Johnson & Johnson cancer-causing baby shampoo issue. I'm not sure why carcinogens would be put in baby shampoo but they obviously do something because the organic, non-cancer-causing Burt's Bees shampoo/wash sucks. It doesn't get foamy and bubbly, it smells weird, and makes the water look oddly oily.

And tomorrow I have a court appearance that I really would rather not attend. Plus I have to write this stupid appellate brief that I have been putting off forever (sidenote: Pinterest you need to go away for this week, I've got shit to do). Basically, I'm in a "WHERE THE HELL IS MAH WINE?" kind of mood. Alright, that's enough of that. I am off to be pissy now.

Fail

This morning Leo had swim lessons. Before that we went with the husband to watch the Michigan game and have breakfast at a restaurant. Then I took Leo to a little holiday boutique at a church and bought a really cute santa from some adorable little old ladies. One day I want to be an adorable little old lady selling crafty items. Although, I also want to be cussing and drinking a martini while doing that.

Anyways, back to the swim lessons. I do not own a lot of bathing suits and after the birth of my precious child, most of them look down right scary. I had been wearing my super cute, red, 50s style one piece to lessons. Although it is flattering, it is a really expensive Juicy Couture suit and really made for lounging by the pool and not actual swimming. So today I figured I would give my expensive suit a rest and throw on my faded black bikini, baring stretch marks and all. I was a little self conscious about this choice but I thought, "fuck it, last week a mom wore a sports bra and shorts, we're all moms right?"

Wrong. Of course this is the week that there are two dads in the class. Obviously they also have children and wives who have had children so the gasps in horror at my stomach weren't too loud. That was fail number one for the day.

After swim lessons, I threw Leo in the bath to rinse off the chlorine. I lovingly washed him with his Burt's Bees soap. After the Johnson & Johnson debacle, I threw all of mine away, even the Aveeno because it is made by J&J, ran to Target and spent way too much money on Burt's Bees soap and lotion. Apparently, I think it is ok to put my kid in a swimming pool with so much chlorine my eyes are burning, but absolutely no J&J.

After the bath, I lovingly massage the Burt's Bees lotion on my cute little baby. All the while I'm thinking, "what the hell? This stuff is so sticky and doesn't absorb at all." Looking at my white little baby, I realized I was vigorously rubbing the soap on him. Fail number two. Back in the bath he went, I'm sure thinking, "what the hell is she doing? I just took a fucking bath."

It is not even 2:30pm and I've had two major fails (but I managed to get a blog post out!). Tonight I'm going to a wedding where I have just been informed that the bride plans to get me hammered since she was so hammered at my wedding. As long as she plans on giving me about three glasses of wine, she will accomplish her plan.

Day Four

Here I am at Day Four of National Blog Posting Month and I'm already running out of steam. The challenge is to post every day for the month of November, including weekends. Just a little daunting. Since it's Friday and I'm really tired, I'm just going to do a list of random things:

- How many teeth do 16 month olds get? Because I feel like Leo has been teething for-fucking-ever. I love that little man but I am over the whiny and the drool and the nasty teething poops.

- Pinterest may be my downfall at work. I have this appellate brief to write and I just do not want to write it. So I play on pinterest. It is terrible and I'm ashamed to admit but I'm sick of wading through pages of testimony.

- I started Christmas shopping this past week and I feel so on top of this holiday already! I'm sure I'll be scrambling at the last minute for something but I will enjoy my feeling of accomplishment while it lasts.

- While I may have gotten a head start on Christmas, my Halloween decorations are still up. And it poured rain today. So my cobwebs on the bushes in the front are now, I don't even know, but they don't look easy to remove.

- I hate U.S.C. football.

- This week I found this video:



My mom bought a VHS of this 1968 Christmas special from the bargain bin at Pic n Save (now called Big Lots). And we loved it so much but the VHS has long been lost. I was so excited to find it, I even cried a little while watching it. Also, I remember being so embarrassed to go to Pic n Save and worried that I would see someone that I knew. And then my mom pointed out that, if I did run into someone I knew than that person would be at Pic n Save too so there is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Ok, that's all I got. Expect some more fluff over the weekend and hopefully some substance next week.

A Board Marriage

My husband and I have this really terrible habit. We've been doing it ever since we moved in together before we were married (gasp! I know, so sinful). We've tried to stop doing it. We've talked it over, we've bickered about it, dare I say, we even yelled about it.

We are addicted to our laptops. Not just our laptops. The laptop plus the internet.

At the end of the day when we finally get around to relaxing on the couch, we sit on opposite ends of the couch and play on our laptops. He's reading sports blogs, ESPN, news, and the Drudge Report. I'm tweeting, pinning, blogging, and facebooking with a healthy dose of gossip sites. We still talk but our hands are glued to the keyboard. There are plenty of "hey did you hear about..." or "watch this video, it's hilarious!"

We've tried putting the laptops away to watch movies or a tv show but inevitably we will see an actor that we can't remember or the name of a song and we feel the compulsive need to google.

I know it's horrible; but we are lawyers. We talk and argue and explain all freaking day long. It's exhausting. Then we come home to parent and it's all "row, row, row your boat," "Leo don't lick the dog," "Leo don't climb on that," and reading the counting book with the moose five million times. By the time we get to the couch, we are just all talked out.

However, at the urging of my husband, we have started to slightly change. We have instituted game night.

It started with Trivial Pursuit, then I bought Scrabble and now we have a brand new Monopoly waiting to be played. We don't play every night (dude, Scrabble is hard and you need some brain power for it, I don't have that every night). But it has been shockingly fun to turn off the tv and laptops and play a game. Normally, I despise games, especially of the board variety, but I actually look forward to playing now.

We have not completely given up our old ways. It's 9:30 pm and I'm on my laptop and he's reading Car and Driver magazines (research for a new car which we do not need and I oppose because I'd rather buy fancy art and a flat screen for our bedroom, you know, first world problems). Bad habits die hard but I feel like we are taking a tiny step to reconnecting and getting back to basics. We don't get out a lot for date nights so it is important for us to spend time together when we can.

Hey Nablowies - posting every day is hard yo and this is only the third day!

Goodbye October

I'm sad that October is over.

I will miss the pumpkin patches.



The petting zoos.



Little lions walking down the street.



Even if he is a grumpy little lion.



I need to get through November, respect the turkey, and then BRING ON CHRISTMAS!

The Speed of Mom

The other day I settled a case in 30 minutes. 30 minutes and it was done, settlement agreement written and signed. Opposing counsel was also a mother of a toddler. Coincidence? I think not.

Toddler moms move fast. We move fast while maintain accuracy because we have to. Because toddlers are crazy and all over the place and toddler moms are experts at containing the crazy.

We move with lightening speed to pry out whatever sharp/dirty/dangerous thing the toddler may be trying to chew on.

We move swiftly with cat-like reflexes to scoop up a tumbled over toddler, trying so hard to run/climb/jump, and cover him with kisses.

We eat in a flash because while the toddler may be happily munching his raviolis one minute, we know that in a second he could be flipping his toddler shit and flinging raviolis at the dog.

We pee like we are in a crowded bar and there is a line of drunk angry girls out the door because, let's face it, it is awkward to pee with a little person staring at you and trying to unroll the toilet paper so you just want to get it over with.

We zip through Target either on our lunch break or with a toddler in tow, hoping to pacify him with a cake pop from Starbucks so we can buy diapers and a cute pair of shoes (and we only go to the Targets with Starbucks for obvious reasons).

But every so often, we slow down, take advantage of the illusive toddler snuggle, read a story, and drink in the wonder of being a toddler mom.