Saturday, November 5, 2011


This morning Leo had swim lessons. Before that we went with the husband to watch the Michigan game and have breakfast at a restaurant. Then I took Leo to a little holiday boutique at a church and bought a really cute santa from some adorable little old ladies. One day I want to be an adorable little old lady selling crafty items. Although, I also want to be cussing and drinking a martini while doing that.

Anyways, back to the swim lessons. I do not own a lot of bathing suits and after the birth of my precious child, most of them look down right scary. I had been wearing my super cute, red, 50s style one piece to lessons. Although it is flattering, it is a really expensive Juicy Couture suit and really made for lounging by the pool and not actual swimming. So today I figured I would give my expensive suit a rest and throw on my faded black bikini, baring stretch marks and all. I was a little self conscious about this choice but I thought, "fuck it, last week a mom wore a sports bra and shorts, we're all moms right?"

Wrong. Of course this is the week that there are two dads in the class. Obviously they also have children and wives who have had children so the gasps in horror at my stomach weren't too loud. That was fail number one for the day.

After swim lessons, I threw Leo in the bath to rinse off the chlorine. I lovingly washed him with his Burt's Bees soap. After the Johnson & Johnson debacle, I threw all of mine away, even the Aveeno because it is made by J&J, ran to Target and spent way too much money on Burt's Bees soap and lotion. Apparently, I think it is ok to put my kid in a swimming pool with so much chlorine my eyes are burning, but absolutely no J&J.

After the bath, I lovingly massage the Burt's Bees lotion on my cute little baby. All the while I'm thinking, "what the hell? This stuff is so sticky and doesn't absorb at all." Looking at my white little baby, I realized I was vigorously rubbing the soap on him. Fail number two. Back in the bath he went, I'm sure thinking, "what the hell is she doing? I just took a fucking bath."

It is not even 2:30pm and I've had two major fails (but I managed to get a blog post out!). Tonight I'm going to a wedding where I have just been informed that the bride plans to get me hammered since she was so hammered at my wedding. As long as she plans on giving me about three glasses of wine, she will accomplish her plan.

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