Thursday, May 19, 2011

I Wish I Had Known....

I always planned on breastfeeding. When I got pregnant I knew it was what I wanted to do. I knew that I would be pumping at work. I knew that I didn't think formula was bad but I wanted to breastfeed my son. There are a million things I wish I had known before starting breastfeeding. That it would hurt in the beginning. That it would be stressful, not naturally easy, and totally rewarding.

What I really wish I had known was that it is not hard to nurse in public. I was so afraid to do it that I did not nurse my son in public until he was about five months old. I was so nervous about accidentally exposing myself or grossing someone out. I have no idea why, I spent four years in Santa Barbara with the girls on display for all to see. But the thought of someone actually seeing me nursing sent me running for the hills.

I had a hooter hider, I just was afraid to use it. I even practiced using it in front of my sister. The problem is I have giant boobs and I can't just discreetly pop open the nursing bra and feed my son. No, the entire boob has to come out and that is slightly off-putting for others.

For the first five months, I planned outings so that I wouldn't have to nurse or I brought a bottle. It was a huge pain in the ass. Then we went to Sea World and we were going to be gone for a long part of the day. By this time I had been back at work for 3 months and was beyond sick of washing bottles. So I decided I wasn't screwing around with bottles and packed the hooter hider. When it came time to feed him, I found a chair with arms (for support), slipped the cover on, and nursed away.

It was so easy! He was happy to eat, I was happy that there was no bottle to clean up. I couldn't believe I had waited so long to nurse in public. From that point on, I nursed him in restaurants, museums, even a bar (we were there during the day and its not like my boobs are strangers to bars).

Nursing in public turned out to be comfortable and easy. Now, I will say that at 10 1/2 months, nursing in public is somewhat of a struggle simply because the baby gets distracted. Also, I tend to nurse in public less because if we are at a restaurant he usually eats food. But I still enjoy having the confidence to run out of the house without a bottle, just my trusty hooter hider, knowing that I can feed my son on the run.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

A Realization

When I was a little baby attorney at one of my first jobs my boss told me that I needed to be more of a bulldog.

I needed to be tougher, more aggressive.

(Like Frank could ever be aggressive, he is such gentle soul.)

But I just wasn't aggressive. I was more passive aggressive. In my early 20s I was at a dance club, getting down with my bad self, and this really annoying drunk girl kept bumping into everyone on the dance floor. So I steathily bumped aka body-checked her and ran away. I had aggressive tendencies but I was just so damn non-confrontational.

Despite my lack of overt aggression, I became a mildly successful attorney. I was able to settle cases but it would take me forever. I would constantly second guess myself. In trial, I would turn red with embarrasment when I had to question witnesses.

And then something happened.

This little guy showed up.

And in a sleep deprived haze I becaming a working mama attorney. And I stopped having time to deal with bullshit. And I stopped tolerating the games that lawyers play. And I became aggressive.

I no longer sit through countless hours of mediation. If the deal is bad, I walk. I'm not afraid to call out other attorneys when they are being unethical or treating my client poorly. I am more sure of my arguments and unwilling to waver from my positions. While I love my job, I want to get through the day as quickly and efficiently as possible so I can get home to my son. I don't have time or the desire to bullshit about cases. I cut to the chase and get the job done. And I'm not afraid to go to the mattresses for a legal argument I believe in.

Plus, I don't have time for long, rambling meetings. I need to pump!

Somehow in becoming a mother I became a better attorney. In realizing that I am capable of taking care of another life, I realized that I am so capable of being an attorney. In being constantly strapped for time, I have become a faster thinker, a faster talker, and a faster problem-solver. All while maintaining the necessary accuracy.

Motherhood has brought many things to my life. And I am very happy that it has brought a no bullshit policy to me.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I Want, I Want, I Want

I want to spend quality time with my son every day. Lots of it.

I want a rewarding career that leaves me fulfilled at the end of the day.

I want a clean house. I don't want to be the one to clean it.

I want to feel rested and confident.

I want to provide my family with home-cooked meals that are healthy and made with love.

I want to write.

I want my decisions validated.

I want to laugh.

I want to eat chocolate chip cookies with no consequences.

I want to surround myself with people who love and respect me.

I want to love and respect the people in my life.

I want my husband to always be in my corner.

I want my son to know that girls can be really kick ass lawyers.

I want to be a really kick ass lawyer.

I want to teach something to someone someday.

I want to read as many classics as I can get my hands on.

I want to watch my son grow up into an amazing man.

I want a big family.

I want my bulldogs to know how much I love them.

I want to dance.

I want my hair to look cute.

Looks like I've got my work cut out for me.