I've been in a place.
Not a really bad place. Not a dark and twisty place. But not a good place either. It has been more of a melancholy place. A gentle hum of sadness with occasional spurts of happiness.
I need more than an occasional spurt of happiness.
There's been a whole lot of "why does everyone have it easier than me?" And a whole lot of, "If only I didn't have this commute/had a bigger house/bought new clothes/got my freaking roots highlighted I would be happy."
There has been an onslaught of "I miss Leo" and working mama guilt.
I didn't weather the holidays well and the complicated mess of my family has taken its toll on me. Over Christmas break, I had an amazing vacation in Hawaii with Leo and the husband and came home to work piled up and my family being sick for practically the whole month of January.
I'm over this place. I'm just not sure how to get out of it.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving
I just made macaroni n cheese, from scratch, with well over a pound of cheese and bacon. I also made banana bread. Thanksgiving is the food olympics and I'm bringing my A game.
In all truthfulness, I have a lot to be thankful for this year. My family, my friends, my career, my home, my bulldogs. I often complain, whine, moan "why does everyone have an easier life than me???" But right now, I'm recognizing the reality which is that I am very blessed and thankful for all of it.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
In all truthfulness, I have a lot to be thankful for this year. My family, my friends, my career, my home, my bulldogs. I often complain, whine, moan "why does everyone have an easier life than me???" But right now, I'm recognizing the reality which is that I am very blessed and thankful for all of it.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
ABC Easy As 123
So I'm failing miserably at NaBloPoMo but I was feeling rather uninspired and very, very sleepy. Luckily I found a blog idea to steal!
A. Age: 31, about to be 32 in March. I can't even deal with how old that sounds.
B. Bed size: We finally got a king size bed about a year ago. Except that we got an Eastern King and we live in California where the California King reigns supreme so it is fucking impossible to find sheets that fit. And somehow my toddler takes up my whole damn bed.
C. Chore that you hate: I can't think of one. This is sick. I love my house being clean. Ok, I got it. I really, really hate picking up the dog poop.
D. Dogs: Frank and Mickey! Combined they are about 100 pounds of purebred English Bulldog. We love our fur babies so much even when they snore and fart (which is a lot).
E. Essential start to your day: Shower. I cannot shower the night before. If I do, I still have to shower in the morning.
F. Favorite color: Red. It used to be pink but I am a grown woman now.
G. Gold or Silver: White gold but sometimes I really like traditional yellow gold.
H. Height: 5'4, a little too tall for petite but too short for regular clothes. Shopping is fun.
I. Instruments you play: I have no musical talent at all. I used to lip sync in my junior high choir.
J. Job title: Deputy general counsel thankyouverymuch. That's just a fancy way to say lawyer.
K. Kids: Leo! 26 pounds of pure mischief. He is an evil baby genius and adorable.
L. Live: The OC. I am NOT a real housewife. Although I have shopped where they do.
M. Mother’s name: Debbie, Deborah, Crazy.
N. Nicknames: I have never had a cool nickname. Some people call me Court. Weird thing, my husband rarely calls me by my full name. It is usually Court, Babe or Baby. If he actually says Courtney I know he's annoyed with me. I had a boyfriend once that called me Lovey. It made me want to barf every. single. time.
O. Overnight hospital stays: Just for my Leo. It was really creepy. I am not a fan of overnight hospital stays.
P. Pet peeves: Sniffing, spitting, people eating cereal or anything crunchy near me, the t.v. being too loud...I kinda have issues.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Bearfucker! Do you need assistance?" That was the first one that popped into my head.
R. Right or left handed: Right.
S. Siblings: An awesome sister and a brother, both younger.
T. Hey there is no T! I'll make one up. Ummmm, transit. Ok Transit: my mom-mobile, a Hyundai Santa Fe.
U. Underwear: Always. Even while sleeping. My husband thinks I'm weird.
V. Vegetable you hate: Green mother fucking peppers. They taste like evil.
W. What makes you run late: I am rarely late. I'm even more on time since having a baby because I'm so paranoid about being late.
X. X-Rays you’ve had: My ankle when I was 10. I was in a hit and run car accident on the way to girl scout camp.
Y. Yummy food that you make: Lasagna and mac 'n cheese.
Z. Zoo animal: Polar bears. I love them so much.
A. Age: 31, about to be 32 in March. I can't even deal with how old that sounds.
B. Bed size: We finally got a king size bed about a year ago. Except that we got an Eastern King and we live in California where the California King reigns supreme so it is fucking impossible to find sheets that fit. And somehow my toddler takes up my whole damn bed.
C. Chore that you hate: I can't think of one. This is sick. I love my house being clean. Ok, I got it. I really, really hate picking up the dog poop.
D. Dogs: Frank and Mickey! Combined they are about 100 pounds of purebred English Bulldog. We love our fur babies so much even when they snore and fart (which is a lot).
E. Essential start to your day: Shower. I cannot shower the night before. If I do, I still have to shower in the morning.
F. Favorite color: Red. It used to be pink but I am a grown woman now.
G. Gold or Silver: White gold but sometimes I really like traditional yellow gold.
H. Height: 5'4, a little too tall for petite but too short for regular clothes. Shopping is fun.
I. Instruments you play: I have no musical talent at all. I used to lip sync in my junior high choir.
J. Job title: Deputy general counsel thankyouverymuch. That's just a fancy way to say lawyer.
K. Kids: Leo! 26 pounds of pure mischief. He is an evil baby genius and adorable.
L. Live: The OC. I am NOT a real housewife. Although I have shopped where they do.
M. Mother’s name: Debbie, Deborah, Crazy.
N. Nicknames: I have never had a cool nickname. Some people call me Court. Weird thing, my husband rarely calls me by my full name. It is usually Court, Babe or Baby. If he actually says Courtney I know he's annoyed with me. I had a boyfriend once that called me Lovey. It made me want to barf every. single. time.
O. Overnight hospital stays: Just for my Leo. It was really creepy. I am not a fan of overnight hospital stays.
P. Pet peeves: Sniffing, spitting, people eating cereal or anything crunchy near me, the t.v. being too loud...I kinda have issues.
Q. Quote from a movie: "Bearfucker! Do you need assistance?" That was the first one that popped into my head.
R. Right or left handed: Right.
S. Siblings: An awesome sister and a brother, both younger.
T. Hey there is no T! I'll make one up. Ummmm, transit. Ok Transit: my mom-mobile, a Hyundai Santa Fe.
U. Underwear: Always. Even while sleeping. My husband thinks I'm weird.
V. Vegetable you hate: Green mother fucking peppers. They taste like evil.
W. What makes you run late: I am rarely late. I'm even more on time since having a baby because I'm so paranoid about being late.
X. X-Rays you’ve had: My ankle when I was 10. I was in a hit and run car accident on the way to girl scout camp.
Y. Yummy food that you make: Lasagna and mac 'n cheese.
Z. Zoo animal: Polar bears. I love them so much.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Stepping Out Saturday Deja Vu
This Saturday my little family had plans to go to the mall, get the husband some new clothes, eat dinner, and visit Santa. I had a cute outfit all planned so I thought I would link up with Stepping Out Saturday (for those that don't know, it is a blog link up where you highlight your Saturday outfit).
I had my husband take a picture of me in my outfit (which he said made me look like an "Occupy Wall Street-er".) Whatever, I thought it was cute. Then it hit me.
Sweater - Target. Dress - H & M. Boots - Old Navy
The one other time I did this link up, I was wearing the same fucking dress. Fail. Anyways you can see how I took my dress from summer to fall. Which was totally my point. And I totally own more than one dress.
Ugh my legs were pasty even in the middle of the summer. So we took Leo to get his picture with Santa. I know it's early but with working full time I can only do these types of things on the weekends and my December weekends are already booked. Plus the line was super short.
Leo looked totally unsure of Santa but this Santa was such a sweetheart. He saw me looking nervous and said, "Don't worry, he's going to cry but he'll be fine and you'll love the picture." He then told the Elf taking the picture, "this is a quick one," and before you knew it the whole traumatizing experience was over.
Santa was right. This picture is awesome. See that little dog Leo is holding? That is Spot. Leo loves Spot. Spot goes everywhere Leo goes, even daycare. Spot eats with Leo, sleeps with Leo. Tonight we lost Spot. He fell out of the stroller while we were walking throughout the mall. I was in tears. I retraced our steps. I asked people. I felt like an utter failure as a mom because I couldn't protect the thing my son loved.
Leo didn't even notice he was gone. Maybe Leo was mad that Spot didn't protect him from Scary Santa. When we got home, I dug out this little bear that was about the same size as Spot and poof! Leo had a new best friend.
Maybe I'm not a failure after all.
After all this, I rearranged the living room furniture and put up our Christmas tree. I also cleaned out our garage this afternoon. I sincerely hope this productivity carries over to Monday.
I had my husband take a picture of me in my outfit (which he said made me look like an "Occupy Wall Street-er".) Whatever, I thought it was cute. Then it hit me.
Sweater - Target. Dress - H & M. Boots - Old Navy
The one other time I did this link up, I was wearing the same fucking dress. Fail. Anyways you can see how I took my dress from summer to fall. Which was totally my point. And I totally own more than one dress.
Ugh my legs were pasty even in the middle of the summer. So we took Leo to get his picture with Santa. I know it's early but with working full time I can only do these types of things on the weekends and my December weekends are already booked. Plus the line was super short.
Leo looked totally unsure of Santa but this Santa was such a sweetheart. He saw me looking nervous and said, "Don't worry, he's going to cry but he'll be fine and you'll love the picture." He then told the Elf taking the picture, "this is a quick one," and before you knew it the whole traumatizing experience was over.
Santa was right. This picture is awesome. See that little dog Leo is holding? That is Spot. Leo loves Spot. Spot goes everywhere Leo goes, even daycare. Spot eats with Leo, sleeps with Leo. Tonight we lost Spot. He fell out of the stroller while we were walking throughout the mall. I was in tears. I retraced our steps. I asked people. I felt like an utter failure as a mom because I couldn't protect the thing my son loved.
Leo didn't even notice he was gone. Maybe Leo was mad that Spot didn't protect him from Scary Santa. When we got home, I dug out this little bear that was about the same size as Spot and poof! Leo had a new best friend.
Maybe I'm not a failure after all.
After all this, I rearranged the living room furniture and put up our Christmas tree. I also cleaned out our garage this afternoon. I sincerely hope this productivity carries over to Monday.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Over It
I am far too cranky for a Friday night. This work week has kicked my ass and my December (work-wise) is looking insane. One one day I have three trials, um how in the hell is that supposed to happen?
Those who took the July California state bar exam found out tonight if they passed. It has been five years since I logged on to the bar website and found out that I had passed. The bar exam was the hardest thing I have ever done mentally and I was immensely relieved to find out that I had passed and would never have to take it again.
It has only been five years. A drop in the bucket. And I am already feeling burnt out. All I deal with are problems. I practice special education law and I never get to see anyone happy about the education their children are receiving. No one is happy to see me when I walk into a meeting. It is all disagreement, confrontation, anger, frustration, all the fucking time.
Normally, I love being a lawyer. I really do. But today I am so fucking over it.
Those who took the July California state bar exam found out tonight if they passed. It has been five years since I logged on to the bar website and found out that I had passed. The bar exam was the hardest thing I have ever done mentally and I was immensely relieved to find out that I had passed and would never have to take it again.
It has only been five years. A drop in the bucket. And I am already feeling burnt out. All I deal with are problems. I practice special education law and I never get to see anyone happy about the education their children are receiving. No one is happy to see me when I walk into a meeting. It is all disagreement, confrontation, anger, frustration, all the fucking time.
Normally, I love being a lawyer. I really do. But today I am so fucking over it.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Dangerous Co-Sleeping?
I asked my husband if he had seen the controversial co-sleeping advertisement.
Me: "You know the one with the baby and the knife? They are trying to say that co-sleeping.."
Husband: "....turns babies into murderers?"
Um not exactly. I tried to explain to him the point of the ad campaign is to tell people that co-sleeping is dangerous because people could roll over, etc.
Husband: "whatever, I've been rolling over on Leo forever."
And then he went back to looking at his fantasy football stats. I kinda wish that I could just brush off parenting controversies like him. He just never gets wrapped up in what other people are doing, are saying, the latest study, "the mommy wars." He just parents the way he parents, lives his life the way he lives his life and that's it. What other people are doing is of no concern to him.
When I saw the co-sleeping ad, I furiously googled safe ways to co-sleep, benefits of co-sleeping, read everyone's blog post about the ad, about co-sleeping. All this despite the fact that we've been co-sleeping for about a year with absolutely no problems. So obviously what we are doing is working for us and that should be enough for me.
Me: "You know the one with the baby and the knife? They are trying to say that co-sleeping.."
Husband: "....turns babies into murderers?"
Um not exactly. I tried to explain to him the point of the ad campaign is to tell people that co-sleeping is dangerous because people could roll over, etc.
Husband: "whatever, I've been rolling over on Leo forever."
And then he went back to looking at his fantasy football stats. I kinda wish that I could just brush off parenting controversies like him. He just never gets wrapped up in what other people are doing, are saying, the latest study, "the mommy wars." He just parents the way he parents, lives his life the way he lives his life and that's it. What other people are doing is of no concern to him.
When I saw the co-sleeping ad, I furiously googled safe ways to co-sleep, benefits of co-sleeping, read everyone's blog post about the ad, about co-sleeping. All this despite the fact that we've been co-sleeping for about a year with absolutely no problems. So obviously what we are doing is working for us and that should be enough for me.
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