Monday, January 30, 2012

A Place

I've been in a place.

Not a really bad place. Not a dark and twisty place. But not a good place either. It has been more of a melancholy place. A gentle hum of sadness with occasional spurts of happiness.

I need more than an occasional spurt of happiness.

There's been a whole lot of "why does everyone have it easier than me?" And a whole lot of, "If only I didn't have this commute/had a bigger house/bought new clothes/got my freaking roots highlighted I would be happy."

There has been an onslaught of "I miss Leo" and working mama guilt.

I didn't weather the holidays well and the complicated mess of my family has taken its toll on me. Over Christmas break, I had an amazing vacation in Hawaii with Leo and the husband and came home to work piled up and my family being sick for practically the whole month of January.

I'm over this place. I'm just not sure how to get out of it.


  1. I think we've all been there. My only advice for getting out of the funk is to ask yourself what you would really change- but limit yourself to comparing to real possibilities, and not idealized versions of what life could be. I'm going to shameless self-promote here and link to a recent post I wrote on this topic:

    It pretty much always works for me. I get in a funk thinking I want X, Y, and Z- and then I think about what life would REALLY be like if I could have X, Y, and Z, and I realize that I'd rather keep things pretty much the way they are.

    Whether or not this works for you... I hope you feel better soon!

  2. Me too, somewhat. I waste a lot of time fantasizing about how my life could be better or easier if only [insert something]. I take time off work to be with my son, and then I feel guilty for not working. I work more, and then I feel guilty for not being with my son. I dream of not working, and then I stress out about how I'd pay for anything since I feel like I don't have enough as it is. Everyone's life is easier, they all have bigger houses, and they all seem to have time to be amazing moms and get their hair and nails done and cook meals from scratch. I don't know what the right answer is or how to get out of your funk, but if you stay there for awhile, just know you're not alone.

  3. Working mom guilt is the worst.

    I waste a good deal of time dreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery (this time is also spent making a mental note to buy a lottery ticket). It would be glorious, but alas it has yet to happen.

  4. I think it's the time of year-post holiday slow down, back to reality. Is the grass greener? Who knows....but I am there with you!

  5. Sending you a big electronic hug. I hear you, sister. Sometimes it helps to take a moment and realize that you are this amazing educated married mother and you are still so young. I know too much comparing can get one into a funk, but you have already accomplished so much more than so many people! You are doing it all and "it all" ain't easy. You are awesome!

  6. I know that place. I hate that place. I'm sorry you're there.

    All I would tell you is to stop beating yourself up for things you can't control and let yourself off the hook from being perfect. It's not possible, and it's only going to hurt you. I get the guilt and the frustration and all that, but if you can minimize it where you can, I've found it to help.

    That's such a non answer, I know.

  7. Thank you all so much for your comments. They really meant a lot to me and I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels this way!

  8. I'm very glad you're back to writing. I'm another lawyer mom, and I enjoy your blog a lot. I've check back frequently since Thanksgiving and have missed your posts in their absence.

  9. I'm sorry. That pretty much felt like me last month. And the guilt/frustration about feeling upset when things could be a lot worse? Icing.