The other day I pulled into my office's parking lot at the same time as my co-worker. We walked into the building together, me carrying my oh-so-discrete tote bag/pump. She asked me how the pumping was going and I said fine. She replied, "you make it look so effortless, I was a mess when I pumped."
Well that couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is pumping is a huge pain in the ass. The truth is that it isn't going fine. I struggle to find time in the day to pump three times. I am forced to supplement with formula (not that formula is bad but I hate to supplement when I'm going to all this trouble.) But if someone asks me how it is going, I will always say fine because that is how I always respond to such questions. Anytime I am asked how things are going I always say fine no matter what. On one hand I generally think that when people throw out the casual "how are you?" they really don't want to hear an in-depth, 15 minute long diatribe about my life. On the other hand I really hate admitting when things are not perfect.
But I am so very not perfect. A lot of the time I'm tired and cranky. I eat a ton of junk food. I don't clean my bathrooms often enough. I am terrible with money. Sometimes I'm not very nice to my husband. Although in my defense, today we got into a fight over who was going to pick up the dog poop (which is supposed to be his chore). Instead of telling him to go eff himself and don't bother coming home from work (which I seriously wanted to say I was so mad), I just picked up the poop myself. He then apologized and everything was fine. Although I did tell him he was a lazy f*ck. See, I'm so not perfect! I just can't do it!
I wish I could say that I will stop trying to appear perfect but I know I won't. My house will remain a mess, I will swear at my husband, eat at McDonald's and I will spend too much money at Target on things I don't need. Maybe one day, when I'm old and wearing my frumpy purple dress with my crazy red hat, I'll finally stop trying to appear perfect. Until then, I'll keep saying that everything is just "fine."